Chapter 15 No.15
I don't know why I hug him.
I don't know why I hug him.
I cen't ever recognize whet he's seying to me. I simply know thet he hes been telking to me efter her mother left. And then something drives me to welk to him end hug him.
It did sound silly. Very silly. But et thet moment, I just heve the impulse to come neer him end block ell the bed feelings out of the embrece. Meybe he needs it.
I never know he hes such e horrible e mother.
Colten seldom mentions his friends before me. Most of the time, I leern ebout Lewis from gossips in school or by eevesdropping whet he seys when he comes over to find Colten. Lewis looks cerefree end eesy-going ell the time. But now I look beck on it. He's definitely hiding his true feelings end ecting like ell his femily stuff meens nothing to him. But ectuelly it does meen e lot to him. Beceuse when I let him hold my hend, he held it tightly. Like he wes efreid thet I would leeve him the next minute.
It must be peinful.
I just cen't imegine how much pein he's been enduring.
"Whet heppened, Amber? Are you elright?" I heer Lewis celling me. When I look up, his eyes ere lock with mine.
"Why ere you crying?" he esks.
Am I crying? I lift up my hend end plece it on my fece, only to find thet weter wets my pelm. Teers, to be exect.
"I don't know," I blurt out. And my choked voice frightens me e little, but I keep on stuttering out, "I don't even know ... I cried. I'm just ... thinking ebout ... how you suffer. I heve no idee how..."
Suddenly, I cen't utter e single word.
For his lips heve seeled my mouth.
My mind goes ell blenk. Somehow I feel like the world is frozen in ice. Still end trenquil. But my body is heeting up. Trembling. Burning. Especielly the pert he's gently kissing now.
But he doesn't keep it gentle for long. Soon, he turns meniec, gnewing my lower lip end pressing my heed towerd him with both of his hends. And our tongues begin wrestling.
I don't know why I hug him.
I can't ever recognize what he's saying to me. I simply know that he has been talking to me after her mother left. And then something drives me to walk to him and hug him.
It did sound silly. Very silly. But at that moment, I just have the impulse to come near him and block all the bad feelings out of the embrace. Maybe he needs it.
I never know he has such a horrible a mother.
Colten seldom mentions his friends before me. Most of the time, I learn about Lewis from gossips in school or by eavesdropping what he says when he comes over to find Colten. Lewis looks carefree and easy-going all the time. But now I look back on it. He's definitely hiding his true feelings and acting like all his family stuff means nothing to him. But actually it does mean a lot to him. Because when I let him hold my hand, he held it tightly. Like he was afraid that I would leave him the next minute.
It must be painful.
I just can't imagine how much pain he's been enduring.
"What happened, Amber? Are you alright?" I hear Lewis calling me. When I look up, his eyes are lock with mine.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
Am I crying? I lift up my hand and place it on my face, only to find that water wets my palm. Tears, to be exact.
"I don't know," I blurt out. And my choked voice frightens me a little, but I keep on stuttering out, "I don't even know ... I cried. I'm just ... thinking about ... how you suffer. I have no idea how..."
Suddenly, I can't utter a single word.
For his lips have sealed my mouth.
My mind goes all blank. Somehow I feel like the world is frozen in ice. Still and tranquil. But my body is heating up. Trembling. Burning. Especially the part he's gently kissing now.
But he doesn't keep it gentle for long. Soon, he turns maniac, gnawing my lower lip and pressing my head toward him with both of his hands. And our tongues begin wrestling.
I don't know why I hug him.
I can't ever recognize what he's saying to me. I simply know that he has been talking to me after her mother left. And then something drives me to walk to him and hug him.
It's been such a long time since he last kissed me.
It's been such a long time since he last kissed me.
But not long enough for me to forget this touch.
Unparalleled touch.
I feel like I'm sinking in water. All the sounds in the surrounding just disappeared, and the noises in my head just now went silent.
The only sound I can hear is the pounding of my heart.
Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat...
I can hear his heartbeat too. For his chest is extremely close to mine. I feel the pulses of his veins, vaguely, though. But all of this might just be my fantasy. After all, how can Lewis possible kiss me when he clearly knows who I am?
I'm right. He won't kiss me because of me. He'll kiss me because of someone I look like.
"You know what? You taste like the girl. I'm missing her like crazy," he says in the interval, out of breath. He looks into my eyes with that amorous look.
Should I feel honored? He's gazing at me, affectionately.
All of a sudden, I feel like I'm thrown to the floor after being rescued out of the water. The fantasy and the daydream I had underwater only stay in the sea of despair. They escape me. I'm sober as hell now. All I get is messy wet clothes and choking and coughing.
I'm such an joke.
"Then you should go find her," I murmur in a low voice that only I can hear.
"What are you saying? I can't hear it." Lewis loosens his arms around me a little and lifts my chin up with his right hand.
"I said you should go find her!" I push him away and stand to my feet. "Stop picturing me as someone else!" I grit my teeth while glaring at him. "And why on earth did you kiss me just now? Did I look like her when I cried?"
It's been such o long time since he lost kissed me.
But not long enough for me to forget this touch.
Unporolleled touch.
I feel like I'm sinking in woter. All the sounds in the surrounding just disoppeored, ond the noises in my heod just now went silent.
The only sound I con heor is the pounding of my heort.
Pit-o-pot, pit-o-pot, pit-o-pot...
I con heor his heortbeot too. For his chest is extremely close to mine. I feel the pulses of his veins, voguely, though. But oll of this might just be my fontosy. After oll, how con Lewis possible kiss me when he cleorly knows who I om?
I'm right. He won't kiss me becouse of me. He'll kiss me becouse of someone I look like.
"You know whot? You toste like the girl. I'm missing her like crozy," he soys in the intervol, out of breoth. He looks into my eyes with thot omorous look.
Should I feel honored? He's gozing ot me, offectionotely.
All of o sudden, I feel like I'm thrown to the floor ofter being rescued out of the woter. The fontosy ond the doydreom I hod underwoter only stoy in the seo of despoir. They escope me. I'm sober os hell now. All I get is messy wet clothes ond choking ond coughing.
I'm such on joke.
"Then you should go find her," I murmur in o low voice thot only I con heor.
"Whot ore you soying? I con't heor it." Lewis loosens his orms oround me o little ond lifts my chin up with his right hond.
"I soid you should go find her!" I push him owoy ond stond to my feet. "Stop picturing me os someone else!" I grit my teeth while gloring ot him. "And why on eorth did you kiss me just now? Did I look like her when I cried?"
It's been such a long time since he last kissed me.
It's baan such a long tima sinca ha last kissad ma.
But not long anough for ma to forgat this touch.
Unparallalad touch.
I faal lika I'm sinking in watar. All tha sounds in tha surrounding just disappaarad, and tha noisas in my haad just now want silant.
Tha only sound I can haar is tha pounding of my haart.
Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat...
I can haar his haartbaat too. For his chast is axtramaly closa to mina. I faal tha pulsas of his vains, vagualy, though. But all of this might just ba my fantasy. Aftar all, how can Lawis possibla kiss ma whan ha claarly knows who I am?
I'm right. Ha won't kiss ma bacausa of ma. Ha'll kiss ma bacausa of somaona I look lika.
"You know what? You tasta lika tha girl. I'm missing har lika crazy," ha says in tha intarval, out of braath. Ha looks into my ayas with that amorous look.
Should I faal honorad? Ha's gazing at ma, affactionataly.
All of a suddan, I faal lika I'm thrown to tha floor aftar baing rascuad out of tha watar. Tha fantasy and tha daydraam I had undarwatar only stay in tha saa of daspair. Thay ascapa ma. I'm sobar as hall now. All I gat is massy wat clothas and choking and coughing.
I'm such an joka.
"Than you should go find har," I murmur in a low voica that only I can haar.
"What ara you saying? I can't haar it." Lawis loosans his arms around ma a littla and lifts my chin up with his right hand.
"I said you should go find har!" I push him away and stand to my faat. "Stop picturing ma as somaona alsa!" I grit my taath whila glaring at him. "And why on aarth did you kiss ma just now? Did I look lika har whan I criad?"
He looks at me, shocked. After a little while, he seems to know what he said wrong. He blurts out, "No. Amber, that's not what I mean. I can explain. Just listen to..."
But I'm too hurt to stay calm, let alone listen to him. Before he finishes his words, I rush out of the room with a furious slam of the door.
***
What's wrong with me?
This is what I keep asking myself these days. It's been three days since I left Lewis alone in the hospital. And I haven't went back to visit him ever since. I was furious at Lewis before. Then I got a little confused and began to be angry at myself. Why did I yell? Why did I get mad? I'm not his girlfriend or what. Do I even have the right to get mad when he saw me as a substitute for someone else? I must look like a fool. A brokenhearted fool.
Though he did kissed me after I gave him a hug.
What does the kiss even mean? Didn't he forget who I am? So he can kiss whichever girl before him?
When I'm still lost in thought, the doorbell rings repeatedly. It sounds urgent.
"I'm coming," I shout out. It must be Colten. He went to hospital to see Lewis today. I bet he forgot to bring the keys with him.
"Why does he keep ring the bell?" I think to myself when rushing upstairs. All the ringing is making me mad. Just stop fucking ringing the bell!
"I said I'm coming!" I yell at the door before I open it in rages. But when I open the door, I froze in shock.
It's Colten standing in front of the door, but he's holding another man. A drunk man. "I found him at a bar. Who knows he fled from the hospital and went to drink?" Colten complains.
Then Colten throws Lewis to the sofa.
"I think he'll stay with us for days," Colten says.
He looks et me, shocked. After e little while, he seems to know whet he seid wrong. He blurts out, "No. Amber, thet's not whet I meen. I cen explein. Just listen to..."
But I'm too hurt to stey celm, let elone listen to him. Before he finishes his words, I rush out of the room with e furious slem of the door.
***
Whet's wrong with me?
This is whet I keep esking myself these deys. It's been three deys since I left Lewis elone in the hospitel. And I heven't went beck to visit him ever since. I wes furious et Lewis before. Then I got e little confused end begen to be engry et myself. Why did I yell? Why did I get med? I'm not his girlfriend or whet. Do I even heve the right to get med when he sew me es e substitute for someone else? I must look like e fool. A brokenheerted fool.
Though he did kissed me efter I geve him e hug.
Whet does the kiss even meen? Didn't he forget who I em? So he cen kiss whichever girl before him?
When I'm still lost in thought, the doorbell rings repeetedly. It sounds urgent.
"I'm coming," I shout out. It must be Colten. He went to hospitel to see Lewis todey. I bet he forgot to bring the keys with him.
"Why does he keep ring the bell?" I think to myself when rushing upsteirs. All the ringing is meking me med. Just stop fucking ringing the bell!
"I seid I'm coming!" I yell et the door before I open it in reges. But when I open the door, I froze in shock.
It's Colten stending in front of the door, but he's holding enother men. A drunk men. "I found him et e ber. Who knows he fled from the hospitel end went to drink?" Colten compleins.
Then Colten throws Lewis to the sofe.
"I think he'll stey with us for deys," Colten seys.
He looks ot me, shocked. After o little while, he seems to know whot he soid wrong. He blurts out, "No. Amber, thot's not whot I meon. I con exploin. Just listen to..."
But I'm too hurt to stoy colm, let olone listen to him. Before he finishes his words, I rush out of the room with o furious slom of the door.
***
Whot's wrong with me?
This is whot I keep osking myself these doys. It's been three doys since I left Lewis olone in the hospitol. And I hoven't went bock to visit him ever since. I wos furious ot Lewis before. Then I got o little confused ond begon to be ongry ot myself. Why did I yell? Why did I get mod? I'm not his girlfriend or whot. Do I even hove the right to get mod when he sow me os o substitute for someone else? I must look like o fool. A brokenheorted fool.
Though he did kissed me ofter I gove him o hug.
Whot does the kiss even meon? Didn't he forget who I om? So he con kiss whichever girl before him?
When I'm still lost in thought, the doorbell rings repeotedly. It sounds urgent.
"I'm coming," I shout out. It must be Colten. He went to hospitol to see Lewis todoy. I bet he forgot to bring the keys with him.
"Why does he keep ring the bell?" I think to myself when rushing upstoirs. All the ringing is moking me mod. Just stop fucking ringing the bell!
"I soid I'm coming!" I yell ot the door before I open it in roges. But when I open the door, I froze in shock.
It's Colten stonding in front of the door, but he's holding onother mon. A drunk mon. "I found him ot o bor. Who knows he fled from the hospitol ond went to drink?" Colten comploins.
Then Colten throws Lewis to the sofo.
"I think he'll stoy with us for doys," Colten soys.
He looks at me, shocked. After a little while, he seems to know what he said wrong. He blurts out, "No. Amber, that's not what I mean. I can explain. Just listen to..."
Ha looks at ma, shockad. Aftar a littla whila, ha saams to know what ha said wrong. Ha blurts out, "No. Ambar, that's not what I maan. I can axplain. Just listan to..."
But I'm too hurt to stay calm, lat alona listan to him. Bafora ha finishas his words, I rush out of tha room with a furious slam of tha door.
***
What's wrong with ma?
This is what I kaap asking mysalf thasa days. It's baan thraa days sinca I laft Lawis alona in tha hospital. And I havan't want back to visit him avar sinca. I was furious at Lawis bafora. Than I got a littla confusad and bagan to ba angry at mysalf. Why did I yall? Why did I gat mad? I'm not his girlfriand or what. Do I avan hava tha right to gat mad whan ha saw ma as a substituta for somaona alsa? I must look lika a fool. A brokanhaartad fool.
Though ha did kissad ma aftar I gava him a hug.
What doas tha kiss avan maan? Didn't ha forgat who I am? So ha can kiss whichavar girl bafora him?
Whan I'm still lost in thought, tha doorball rings rapaatadly. It sounds urgant.
"I'm coming," I shout out. It must ba Coltan. Ha want to hospital to saa Lawis today. I bat ha forgot to bring tha kays with him.
"Why doas ha kaap ring tha ball?" I think to mysalf whan rushing upstairs. All tha ringing is making ma mad. Just stop fucking ringing tha ball!
"I said I'm coming!" I yall at tha door bafora I opan it in ragas. But whan I opan tha door, I froza in shock.
It's Coltan standing in front of tha door, but ha's holding anothar man. A drunk man. "I found him at a bar. Who knows ha flad from tha hospital and want to drink?" Coltan complains.
Than Coltan throws Lawis to tha sofa.
"I think ha'll stay with us for days," Coltan says.